Beckett's Story pt.3
One of the most important things in life is to have a few good friends around you to encourage you, correct you, and believe with you. Hans is one of those friends for us. If you don’t know him, you should. One evening talking with him and my lovely husband I was sharing them with my frustration I had been dealing with. I told him how it was draining to go do altar ministry because of all the people who kept needing the same prayer that I did or celebrating the exact thing I was praying for.
Another good friend had used the story of the lady in the bible with the issue of blood when I had went up for prayer one day. I was also telling them about this when Hans stopped me in my tracks and pointed out another person in the story. He talked about Jairus who had come searching for Jesus because his 12 year old daughter was on her death bed. He knew Jesus could heal her. I had always been told this story and been related to the lady with the issue of blood. “If you have enough faith to reach out and touch His robe, He will heal you. You just have to believe enough. Why don’t you believe, what is hindering your belief?”
The issue with that was I did believe God could heal me if he wanted to…
but for whatever reason He was choosing not to so it always left me confused and frustrated and like I was supposed to work for something that I could never attain.
Hans said, “Maybe you’re looking at the story wrong. Maybe your Jairus, and not the lady with the issue of blood. Jairus had to wait on Jesus to heal the woman before he ever considered leaving her and coming to his daughter’s rescue. Maybe that’s the point of the story for you.” This of course blew my mind… once again, I was focusing on myself. I focused on myself so much that I couldn’t even see what He was really trying to show me. Hans also said, “I don’t know what this means or how it applies but I feel like I’m supposed to share with you guys the number 12. Maybe check if your pregnant in 12 weeks or something, I don’t know.. I just keep feeling like He is telling me the number 12.”
Side note- The lady with the issue of blood had been bleeding for 12 years and Jairus’ daughter was said to be 12 years old. This was not realized until later on when I was studying the story myself. God’s way of doing things is so cool and I could never orchestrate it how He does.
This was one more block in the wall of faith I was trying to build.
One more word that confirmed that God was most definitely up to something, and it was going to be good. So good.
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All Hail King Jesus
There is a place of brokenness that no man wants to travel to.
There is a place so dark that we dare to even imagine it. That darkness contains absolutely no light whatsoever. It’s complete death. It is pure evil and wickedness. No man wants to enter this place. No man has the humility to lower themselves to walk in and sit down here. How dare we even think of such a place? Can we imagine a place where our own children would murder us in cold blood? Can we imagine a place where we wouldn’t think twice about hurting our loved ones to the point of death? The highest forms of torture and violence are not only planned here, but they are celebrated. The most atrocious act of hatred and evil that you can imagine, bringing joy and celebration in this dark place. The inhabitants here receive so much gladness from the utter terror going on around them, they cry in exultation of the despair. They desire nothing more than to relish in the suffering of one another, cheering one another on in acts of hatred. Racism. Murder. Lies. Cheating. Rape. Disgust at ones own body. Incest. Greed. Abuse. Harsh words. Terrorism. Disease. Death. Depression. Addiction. Identity Crisis. Empty of mercy. Pride. Gossip. Deception. Arguing. Disorder in the family. The are boastful and disobedient. They are jealous and are full of EVERY kind of wickedness. The wickedness they know is not enough, so they invent new ways to be wicked. Promise breakers and haters of God, that’s what they are. (Romans 1:29-31) They call out to the clouds to bring hurricanes and they scream to the flames of fires to grow bigger and stronger to burn people alive. In this place they try their absolute hardest to outdo one another in evil acts, wanting absolutely nothing to do with mercy or grace. Hating everything that gives light or hope.
Do not mention love
or you will hear shrieks of the highest pitch your ear drums may bleed. In this place of darkness you will have to prove yourself to get in. You will be tested to see how strong your hatred really is. How evil are you? Are you worthy of being here? Do you puff yourself up in pride because of how much you know? Can you murder your own flesh and blood? Do you lie on your taxes and look at others in anger? What about your attitude, is it hateful and frustrated? Are you REALLY bad enough to come in and compete for the place of the most wretched?
This place does exist, it resembles the place we would all like to recognize as hell.
But this place I speak of is the heart of every man.
There is a place of light that broken men dream of, but cannot truly begin to imagine. Do we dare to try and comprehend a place where absolutely no darkness can exist? Where the slightest hint of evil or immorality can’t enter? No man has the authority to enter here. No man could ever comprehend the holiness that is in this place. Perfection, what is that? Do we even have the capacity to understand all that is in this place of holiness? A place where nobody is allowed besides the creator, because one touch from the created would defile it completely. There is a place where even maggots praise their creator, and their creator finds great joy in their worship and praise. This place exudes with all kinds of the things man loves to imagine. Peace. Joy. Love. Grace. Mercy. Justice. Goodness. Truth. Health. Forgiveness. Rest. Abundance. Fullness.
This place also exists, and it is what we would like to call Heaven.
But this place I speak of is the heart of God.
How do we get there?
How do we get from one heart, to the other heart? How am I able to get from pure evil to goodness? If the heart of GOD cannot be touched by the darkness, and I am only darkness, how will I ever get to the heart of GOD. I am not that bad. I do not wish to hurt my children. I do not wish to rape, and I try my hardest to be honest. I hate terrorism and racism. I am not completely evil. I am not that bad. I struggle, but I love God.
_But I dare inform you of the scriptures that we so love to read and skip over…
“For from within, out of people’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immoralities, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, evil actions, deceit, promiscuity, stinginess, blasphemy, pride, and foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a person.” Mark 7:21-23
Consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 1 Corinthians 1:26–29
“as it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one. There is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away; all alike have become useless. There is no one who does what is good, not even one.”
_And let me also remind you of the scriptures that we hold so dear
“But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love that He had for us, made us alive with the Messiah even though we were dead in trespasses. You are saved by grace!” Ephesians 2:4-5
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. They are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:23-24
“Though they were not yet born, and had done nothing either good or bad — in order that God’s purpose to choose might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls.” Romans 9:11
“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9
_You get to GOD’s heart by Christ and Christ alone.
ANY good in you comes from Him alone, and any evil that you do NOT take part in comes from Him alone. You are the created, He is the Creator. He takes your rebel heart of stone and turns it to heart of flesh. He brings you from death to life. He redeems your evil and can use you for good, for His glory. It is only by the saving grace of Jesus on the cross that you are able to enter the throne room of God and bow at His feet and worship Him. It is his mercy that restrains you from what your heart of wickedness would choose on your own. This is why we worship King Jesus. This is why we call God our Father, Adonai. Master. This is how we come to the right position of worship and awe before our perfect creator. Again, you get to the heart of GOD through Christ, and through Christ alone. If this reality that perfection would choose to welcome in radical corruption and give it the chance to be new doesn’t bring you to fall on your knees in praise and desire and longing to experience the holiness that is our God, then my heart truly breaks for you. There is no possibility that once you grasp how bad you truly are and how good God truly is that you can possibly turn down His offer of forgiveness.
The amount of love that our God has for you is something you cannot fully comprehend, but I desire the hunger to comprehend, for all of us.
I will leave you with the words of Timothy…
“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time. For this I was appointed a preacher and an apostle (I am telling the truth, I am not lying), a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth. I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling; “
1 Timothy 2:1-8
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Our church does a 21 day fast every year in January and this year I decided during my fast I would submit more to God than I had ever done before. I felt called to fast breakfast and lunch, not allowing myself food until at least 3:00 pm. In the past I had given up coffee or social media but the Lord told me if I wanted to hear more, He wanted me to submit more. I decided to do it. So I submitted myself to Him each and every day, soaked myself in the Bible and allowed Him to begin to speak to me clearer than I had ever experienced before. He spoke to me about a large number of things but I will stick to just what applies to Beckett’s story specifically. By the end of the fast I realized the Lord wanted us to have more children, and He wanted us to have them the natural way.
Good ol’ love makin’.
Something pretty cool that happened during all of this was the way God tested me. At the time I served on the altar ministry at church and so every week at the end of service I would go up front and people could come and pray with me. I absolutely love praying with and for people but during this time in my life… God had a grand sense of humor. Almost every single person who would come to me would relate to me in some way.
“I have a thyroid disorder I need healing for.”
“I am struggling with infertility”.
“My health is making it hard for me to get pregnant.”
“I am pregnant but I am afraid for my babies health because of my health issues.”
“I am pregnant and just wanting prayer for my unborn child.”
God, really? Like, I need the exact same things to happen. And I’m supposed to rejoice with these women who have what I am praying for? Part of me was happy for them but part of me was also really jealous. And to have myself praying for other people to have miracles when I didn’t yet have a promise from God for mine was extremely difficult. I wanted to believe for them and honestly I did, but I couldn’t believe for myself.
Before God answered me and gave me peace He presented me with opportunity after opportunity to pray for other people and believe for them that they would receive their miracle. It showed me that truly it isn’t about me and I needed to stop making it about me.
God gave me peace. One day during the fast I sat down with my bible and started reading in Ecclesiastes. I demolished that book all day long just tearing through it soaking in the word. It was when I came to chapter 11 that God gave me the peace I had been wondering if He had for me. It says
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the bones are formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and do not rest your hands in the evening, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will equally prosper.” Ecc. 11: 5-6
There it was.
My promise, my word from God. I have to admit even after Him speaking this to me I was skeptical. He didn’t give me a timeline. He didn’t give me a name or a gender or anything like that. All I had from Him was peace to continue on going to doctors and spending time, money, and energy waiting for Him to do what I knew in my heart was truly for us. This was the moment I realized, “OK I can trust God in this.”. I believed that God had plans for us to biologically have a child of our own not because in Genesis He said to go forth and multiply or because He promised children to several barren women in the bible. I believe I got a promise from God for ME and for our family because I truly surrendered my hearts desires to Him and said Father, is my heart in alignment with yours?
You guys, I want you all to get this because it changed my relationship with God and it took me to a place of surrender that I had not experienced before. I felt 100% confident in standing on that promise because I knew without a doubt in my mind that only He gave me that peace. It wasn’t because I romanticized being pregnant. It wasn’t because my belief in my child-bearing abilities was strong enough. I didn’t speak His word as some formula to get what I wanted to happen. For once in my life I was believing a promise from God simply because He gave me the grace to truly surrender it to Him. I finally had stopped making it about myself or what I could do to influence Him to give me what I wanted. I truly only desired what He desired for us.
I had my promise and I would stand on it for as long as He wanted me to. I would wait and believe that He was good and He would do what He said He would. I would go to doctors if necessary and I would fight all of the negative thoughts in my head.
I knew how to fight because I had fought before, and if I had to fight to keep my belief strong I would do it.
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I’m just a human. I am no super wife, super mom, or super anything for that matter. I give all the glory for anything in my life to GOD and hope that He is pleased. Easier said than done. I am writing Beckett’s story but in all reality her story is just part of GOD’s story. I pray that through reading this you would find a sense of the Holiness and Sovereignty of GOD. I pray you find hope for your hopeless situation. I pray that any word I write is only from the Father. I pray you finish reading this and can breathe knowing that GOD is in control of every single thing on this planet and you can trust Him wholly. Beckett’s life began only because GOD ordained it to begin. This is the story of our little Beckett Faith Dumbleton.
After you get married everyone starts asking you almost immediately when you plan on having kids. It’s pretty annoying, especially when you have no idea if you are medically capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy. Let me back up for a minute…
I got married July 9, 2018. My husband is an amazing man of God and I am so thankful for him. Our son is not his biological son but unless you already knew that you would never know the difference. The first time I got pregnant I was 18 years old, not married, and in an extremely toxic relationship. It was a bad situation all around, besides the amazing gift of life that was growing inside of me. But my point in telling you this was that it was apparently super easy for me to get pregnant because I clearly was not trying. After having my son my medical records got complicated. For some reason I completely stopped having regular cycles, stopped producing hormones, found out I am a carrier of MTHFR, struggled with horrible cystic acne, and the list goes on and on
After getting married I decided to try and figure out the hormone problems
because I knew the sooner we started working on it the sooner we could figure out what was in the cards for us. So it turns out that if you don’t produce hormones, you don’t create a lining in your uterus which is necessary for that monthly cycle and necessary to carry a pregnancy. Even if that lining is there but not thick enough, you’ll likely miscarry. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to hear while you are wanting to dream about having children with your husband. And super frustrating when you think back to just how EASILY you got pregnant the first time.
I love GOD. I know He is faithful. But I also knew that just because GOD promised Sarah in Genesis that she would bear a son in her old age (seemingly impossible situation) didn’t mean he was going to give us a baby. Really hard pill to swallow. Oh wait, so that whole God grants you the desires of your heart thing isn’t true? Well, it’s true, but you have to know its context. God grants us the desires of our hearts, as they are in line with HIS desires. What if His desires are not for us to biologically produce our own child? Zach couldn’t bear the thought of this and I couldn’t bear the thought of putting myself through all sorts of spiritual warfare for nothing. At the end of the day I believe GOD does whatever HIS will is, not what ours is. I knew we both desired to have more children, but in what way was that supposed to come about? Was it even supposed to come about at all? I know I hadn’t asked, and I was pretty sure Zach hadn’t either.
Are we supposed to have more children, and if so, in what way do you want to make this happen?
I had to submit this question to GOD. Honestly, very anxious about His answer. I knew it would be the right answer but I didn’t know if it would be the one I wanted.
That’s how the journey started.
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It isn’t a good feeling. You get a knock at the door and suddenly you are faced with the reality that everything that has become normal to you may change, again. You spent all of this time getting used to things being one way and then just like that you are thrown back into the uncertainty of what your future holds. I hate not being in control.
I will be transparent and honest with you guys even though it scares me. I have promised to always do my best to be real and if I am to be real right now it would sound something like this.
I’m super pissed off.
I am feeling feelings I haven’t been forced to face for almost 2 years now. Doubt. Worry. Anger. Anxiety. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. ALL OF THEM came rushing in as soon as I opened our front door. I have questioned God a few times recently but the agony in my heart and confusion in my spirit had not been as strong as it was in that moment for quite a while. All I wanted to do in that moment was YELL. I cried out to God, Why? It was the only thing I could muster up to ask Him. It is still lingering in the back of my mind. Why is this happening? Why now, why EVER? I thought I was done with this fight.
It’s a terrible feeling to know that you cannot do certain things.
You can only protect your children so much. You can only do so much to lead a healthy lifestyle. You can only do so much to get your finances under control. There is only so much you can do to heal a relationship. There is only so much you can do to be successful in your job and move forward. We hate seeing we have limits to what we can control and how much we can move the things in our lives that we seriously hate or desperately want to change.
I’m a human and all I want is to be in control of everything, but thank God I am not.
I will not tell you guys this fight is easy. It’s the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life. But it isn’t the first and I am sure it won’t be the last. I am so thankful to God that HE is in control and that He is GOOD and that we can trust Him. You guys, it is so hard in the flesh to shut up all of the what if’s in my head. It is so hard to ignore the enemy when he is screaming in your face “IT’S YOUR FAULT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU REALLY SCREWED THIS UP. GOOD LUCK.”
But God has NEVER ever failed us.
I don’t have any clue what the outcome is going to be. It’s scary. But the arms of God are so comforting. He reminds me over and over again of His justice and mercy. I must always, always remember that He is Sovereign and He has it all orchestrated perfectly. He has planned my steps and has a plan. It is not my job to know His plan, just to follow His calling. He has called me to have faith in Him and believe in His goodness. I cannot say I am obeying the LORD and dwell in anxiety and anger and worry because that is proof that I don’t believe He will do what He said He will.
He has given me the promise of peace (Philippians 4:7) and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised me salvation in Jesus name (Acts 4:12). He has promised to make me strong and courageous because He will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He has promised to deliver me from ALL of my troubles (Psalm 34:19). And He has promised to help me (Psalm 46:1).
I do not know the outcome. I do not know what He has planned.
But those are a few things I do know. I must stand on the promises He has given me. I refuse to sit back and let my mind run wild and forget all of the things He has done. I refuse to live as if I don’t believe He will do all He has said He will do.
Please pray for us during this time. Further information I cannot disclose, but we are in a fight. Pray for us as we battle first in our hearts and minds, which is where the biggest and hardest part of the fight is. We love you. If you need prayer for a fight you are in, please let us know.
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