we finished up the conversation and she told me I needed to go take a pregnancy test and call her back with the results. We hung up the phone and I stopped dead in my tracks.
I got on my hands and knees and cried. I cried so hard. So full of thankfulness, but equally filled with wonder and awe and anxiousness. Just because some paper was saying it was likely I was pregnant did not mean a test would read the same. I got very real with myself and with God in that moment on the floor. I began to worship Him and sang a song that I had been resting in.
I began to say out loud to Him “Even if not, You are still good. You still deserve my worship. You Lord still deserve ALL of the Glory. If this test is negative You are still faithful and You will deliver on Your promise.” I was scared to death to drive up the street to Walgreens and buy that test. What if it was negative? Would my heart truly still worship Him for all that He deserves or was my heart truly thankful because I felt He was finally giving me what we had prayed and believed for? I wanted my heart to be thankful for the sweet gift of life, but mostly I wanted to to remain content with getting more of God even if it wasn’t His timing yet.
As I waited I sang again to God that exact same song. I read all of the verses I had written down about His goodness and faithfulness. I remembered how the Apostle Paul wrote in. “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Philippians 3:8-11)
If that test came back negative I wanted to be sure that I remembered that the true gift from God was the gift of repentance and salvation through His son Jesus, and not even the life of a child placed inside of me can replace that joy. It made sense to me that this journey was meant to sharpen me and make me rely on Christ. This journey was for me to know that all of the scripture in the bible reminding us of Gods faithfulness always is to make us turn back and remember that He will be faithful to fulfill the promise of salvation in His son Jesus. It was a reminder that because He is faithful in that, we can be sure that in His divine timing He will deliver on every single promise He gives us.