I’m just a human. I am no super wife, super mom, or super anything for that matter. I give all the glory for anything in my life to GOD and hope that He is pleased. Easier said than done. I am writing Beckett’s story but in all reality her story is just part of GOD’s story. I pray that through reading this you would find a sense of the Holiness and Sovereignty of GOD. I pray you find hope for your hopeless situation. I pray that any word I write is only from the Father. I pray you finish reading this and can breathe knowing that GOD is in control of every single thing on this planet and you can trust Him wholly. Beckett’s life began only because GOD ordained it to begin. This is the story of our little Beckett Faith Dumbleton.
After you get married everyone starts asking you almost immediately when you plan on having kids. It’s pretty annoying, especially when you have no idea if you are medically capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy. Let me back up for a minute…
I got married July 9, 2018. My husband is an amazing man of God and I am so thankful for him. Our son is not his biological son but unless you already knew that you would never know the difference. The first time I got pregnant I was 18 years old, not married, and in an extremely toxic relationship. It was a bad situation all around, besides the amazing gift of life that was growing inside of me. But my point in telling you this was that it was apparently super easy for me to get pregnant because I clearly was not trying. After having my son my medical records got complicated. For some reason I completely stopped having regular cycles, stopped producing hormones, found out I am a carrier of MTHFR, struggled with horrible cystic acne, and the list goes on and on
After getting married I decided to try and figure out the hormone problems
because I knew the sooner we started working on it the sooner we could figure out what was in the cards for us. So it turns out that if you don’t produce hormones, you don’t create a lining in your uterus which is necessary for that monthly cycle and necessary to carry a pregnancy. Even if that lining is there but not thick enough, you’ll likely miscarry. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to hear while you are wanting to dream about having children with your husband. And super frustrating when you think back to just how EASILY you got pregnant the first time.
I love GOD. I know He is faithful. But I also knew that just because GOD promised Sarah in Genesis that she would bear a son in her old age (seemingly impossible situation) didn’t mean he was going to give us a baby. Really hard pill to swallow. Oh wait, so that whole God grants you the desires of your heart thing isn’t true? Well, it’s true, but you have to know its context. God grants us the desires of our hearts, as they are in line with HIS desires. What if His desires are not for us to biologically produce our own child? Zach couldn’t bear the thought of this and I couldn’t bear the thought of putting myself through all sorts of spiritual warfare for nothing. At the end of the day I believe GOD does whatever HIS will is, not what ours is. I knew we both desired to have more children, but in what way was that supposed to come about? Was it even supposed to come about at all? I know I hadn’t asked, and I was pretty sure Zach hadn’t either.
Are we supposed to have more children, and if so, in what way do you want to make this happen?
I had to submit this question to GOD. Honestly, very anxious about His answer. I knew it would be the right answer but I didn’t know if it would be the one I wanted.
That’s how the journey started.
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It isn’t a good feeling. You get a knock at the door and suddenly you are faced with the reality that everything that has become normal to you may change, again. You spent all of this time getting used to things being one way and then just like that you are thrown back into the uncertainty of what your future holds. I hate not being in control.
I will be transparent and honest with you guys even though it scares me. I have promised to always do my best to be real and if I am to be real right now it would sound something like this.
I’m super pissed off.
I am feeling feelings I haven’t been forced to face for almost 2 years now. Doubt. Worry. Anger. Anxiety. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. ALL OF THEM came rushing in as soon as I opened our front door. I have questioned God a few times recently but the agony in my heart and confusion in my spirit had not been as strong as it was in that moment for quite a while. All I wanted to do in that moment was YELL. I cried out to God, Why? It was the only thing I could muster up to ask Him. It is still lingering in the back of my mind. Why is this happening? Why now, why EVER? I thought I was done with this fight.
It’s a terrible feeling to know that you cannot do certain things.
You can only protect your children so much. You can only do so much to lead a healthy lifestyle. You can only do so much to get your finances under control. There is only so much you can do to heal a relationship. There is only so much you can do to be successful in your job and move forward. We hate seeing we have limits to what we can control and how much we can move the things in our lives that we seriously hate or desperately want to change.
I’m a human and all I want is to be in control of everything, but thank God I am not.
I will not tell you guys this fight is easy. It’s the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life. But it isn’t the first and I am sure it won’t be the last. I am so thankful to God that HE is in control and that He is GOOD and that we can trust Him. You guys, it is so hard in the flesh to shut up all of the what if’s in my head. It is so hard to ignore the enemy when he is screaming in your face “IT’S YOUR FAULT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU REALLY SCREWED THIS UP. GOOD LUCK.”
But God has NEVER ever failed us.
I don’t have any clue what the outcome is going to be. It’s scary. But the arms of God are so comforting. He reminds me over and over again of His justice and mercy. I must always, always remember that He is Sovereign and He has it all orchestrated perfectly. He has planned my steps and has a plan. It is not my job to know His plan, just to follow His calling. He has called me to have faith in Him and believe in His goodness. I cannot say I am obeying the LORD and dwell in anxiety and anger and worry because that is proof that I don’t believe He will do what He said He will.
He has given me the promise of peace (Philippians 4:7) and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised me salvation in Jesus name (Acts 4:12). He has promised to make me strong and courageous because He will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He has promised to deliver me from ALL of my troubles (Psalm 34:19). And He has promised to help me (Psalm 46:1).
I do not know the outcome. I do not know what He has planned.
But those are a few things I do know. I must stand on the promises He has given me. I refuse to sit back and let my mind run wild and forget all of the things He has done. I refuse to live as if I don’t believe He will do all He has said He will do.
Please pray for us during this time. Further information I cannot disclose, but we are in a fight. Pray for us as we battle first in our hearts and minds, which is where the biggest and hardest part of the fight is. We love you. If you need prayer for a fight you are in, please let us know.
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It has been a whole year since you left us. A year full of changes and growth. A year filled with laughter and tears. An entire year has gone by that we have not been able to share with you or ask you for advice. I barely got to know you, and I miss you. I have to admit I wish I would had so much more time with you. I wish all of us would have had more time with you.
I thought about you when I found out I would be carrying your grandchild. I knew how much joy you would have been filled with if you had been able to hold them in your arms and teach them everything you know.
I thought about you often when Elijah asked me hard questions and I wasn’t sure how to answer him in a way an 8 year old would understand. You were so good with handling his fragile heart and understanding how to communicate with children, and I miss that.
I missed getting to celebrate you in the way most people got to celebrate their mother-in-laws on mothers day. I would have loved to have written you a pretty card and brought you flowers or taken you to dinner. I wish I could have honored you on that day the way I had always planned to.
At Christmas I did my best to bring memories of you to our family. I asked your son what items you made during the holidays that he would miss, and I did my best to execute making them. I am sure they missed the special flavor of a mothers love, but I tried.
It’s hard going to your house and you aren’t there.
You aren’t around to help me in understanding how to love your son well and be a good wife to him. I wish so badly I could still call you and ask you how in the world you managed to raise this difficult man, whom I love so dearly.
I think of you when I see Josh play the piano. I think of you when I hear David sing your praises. I think of you when I see the tender heart of Daniel. I think of you when I see Zach and his love for Jesus and children. I think of you when I see your sisters and hear them talk about memories with you. You touched every single person you came in contact with, so I see you all around.
There is so much I didn’t get to ask you.
There is so much wisdom you didn’t get to share with me. So many memories we missed out on making together. I am truly so sad that you aren’t here, but I have to rejoice.
_You showed me how to have strength in God’s love, even in the middle of fighting cancer.
_You showed me how to have grace and mercy to your children and husband.
_You warned me about the Dumbleton men and how much I was getting myself into coming into your family.
_You shared recipes with me.
_You adored each of your children equally, but uniquely.
_You took Elijah in immediately as your own grandson.
I have to rejoice in the time and moments we did share together. In the years of life you spent raising the man I married, you gave me a piece of you I will have forever. I have to rejoice because I know that no matter how much I miss you, you are with your heavenly Father. You are in the midst of perfection and you are not sad or missing us at all.
I will rejoice, because I know your lips are rejoicing for all eternity.
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Being a spouse is seriously hard work.
I know everyone tells you that when you’re going to get married, just like they tell you when you’re having a child how fast time flies by. I went to lunch with a friend recently and we began sharing how incredibly hard marriage truly is. She is in her third year with no children yet, and I am coming up on my one year anniversary with an 8 year old and a baby on the way. We found it pretty comical that we actually struggle with a LOT of the same things in our marriages even though our day to day lives look a little different.
Today I’m going to share about a book I just recently finished
and how I intend to implement some of the things I learned from it into my marriage. The title of this book was “A Wife After God’s Own Heart. 12 Things That Really Matter In Your Marriage.” By Elizabeth George. You can click the image of the book to purchase on amazon!
1. Growing in the Lord. 2. Working as a Team. 3. Learning to Communicate. 4. Enjoying Intimacy. 5. Managing Your Money. 6. Keeping Up the Home. 7. Raising Your Children. 8. Extending Love to Family. 9. Tending Your Career. 10. Making Time for Fun. 11. Serving the Lord. 12. Reaching Out to Others.
These are the 12 things she teaches about in her book but in order to keep you attention I will refrain from giving my thoughts from every chapter and just focus on the main 3 I feel that I struggle the most with! Don’t judge me!
_Learning to Communicate
This one may surprise some of you because I am a writer. I have a job where I communicate with people face to face every single day. I deal with confrontation and I will be the first to tell you I won’t shy away when faced with a difficult conversation. The problem with that in marriage is that sometimes it is more important to listen than it is to talk. My husband and I are polar opposites so the way I say things may be perfectly fine when I hear it in my head, but can seem very disrespectful by the time my words hit his ears. I have had to learn to check with him during conversations to make sure that whatever message I am trying to convey is being heard the way I intend it to be heard. He in the same way has to let me know when I fail to communicate in a way that is honoring and respectful. I encourage him in this and ask for his constructive criticism, but that’s not to say I don’t get it wrong or that sometimes he fails to let me know when I’ve gotten it wrong.
_Keeping Up The Home
So, this one is probably a problem for most people. Does anyone else have expectations set for your husband that he can’t really meet? Men are so different from us. For 7 years I lived on my own and took care of the household on my own. When I saw things that needed to be done I did them and I did them to meet my expectations. We fail as wives when we set expectations for our husbands to do a job the way we would, when we would. There really is nothing wrong for wanting things done in a timely manner or done a certain way. The first problem here is not letting your husband know what the expectations are and then being disappointed in his attempt when he is finished. The second problem is how we confront the issue when it comes up. We have to come to them thankful for all of their efforts and realize it is not their fault for not achieving the goal WE had in mind. We also cannot expect our husbands to read our minds. I don’t know of many men who think to themselves, “Man, I bet my wife started a load of laundry today and I should move it to the drier when I get home after my long day at work.” My husband is SO helpful in this area, and a lot of the times he will see a need and just take care of it. I am truly blessed in that and I know it. But it also doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when I have to be very specific in my requests for what I need help with and also when I would like it to get done. This goes back to learning to communicate!
_Making Time for Fun
Who has time for fun when you have work, appointments, kids activities, church, personal goals, and maintaining a household? Who even has time to have a fun conversation when you need to discuss upcoming bills and vacations and all of the things you need to work on in your marriage? The best part of this chapter to me was it got me thinking about when Zach and I first started dating. We had fun doing anything and everything together! We stayed up until 4 am watching absolutely absurd documentaries and I would drive an hour by myself to go watch his country band at a casino in the middle of nowhere. We were exhausted, and we were having a BLAST the entire time.
Our life looks a lot different now.
We have so many responsibilities but making time for fun is absolutely necessary. Keeping a strong friendship when you are married, founded on GOD, is what is going to pull you through all of the other things. Let’s be honest, we don’t always feel love toward our spouse. My friend told me she half jokingly, half seriously tells her husband, “I really don’t like you right now!” And if we would all be honest there are a lot of us who feel that way a lot of the time. In order to fight that, we must schedule time to enjoy one another. We have to pay the babysitter and spend time cultivating the experiences we enjoyed at the beginning.
I could go into so much more detail, and if you are interested in my opinions on the other chapters, let me know! I have no problem doing another book review post on the same book! Please subscribe, and I highly recommend this book to anyone who is struggling in their marriage. It is more about what YOU can do, and less about what HE needs to do… so keep that in mind!
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After I had Elijah
I had to work really hard to get healthy again. I knew absolutely nothing about nutrition or working out so I literally had to start from the bottom. I had my dad come alongside me and eventually I hired a trainer at the gym. I taught myself about nutrition and stuck to a plan I made for myself that truly worked. I gained self-confidence and I lost all of the baby weight, and then some. At this time in my life I was also in and out of an abusive relationship with Elijah’s dad who liked to make comments about my weight and my appearance. It was something I was fighting internally with my own voice, and then his on top of that, and don’t forget the images in the world that tell you what you are supposed to look like.
Parts of this journey were fun and exciting but parts of it were miserable.
The anxiety set in when I found out I was pregnant again. Remembering how hard it is to lose weight with a newborn by your side. You are tired and exhausted. You eat whatever is available and whenever you can fit it in. I have come so far in being able to wear clothes that fit and be confident in my own skin. I had dropped down to 120 pounds at one point because of how strict I was on my diet and how much time I spent in the gym. How in the world am I going to do that with a newborn baby and a husband and 8 year old to take care of? And work too?
The first trimester is hard enough with the constant nausea and having absolutely no energy.
But to make it worse I would wake up in the morning dying to want to get up and go to the gym. It’s just what I do. I would want to eat oatmeal and salads and veggies but all I could manage were crackers and dry cereal. The agony of knowing how I was unable to stick to my healthy routine was really a battle in my mind. The dread of weight gain haunted me as I lay there just wanting to have enough energy to take a walk.
Even now as I move forward in my pregnancy I fight cravings and have had to change my workouts dramatically.
I still go just not every day. I don’t spend 1.5 hours there and I don’t do more than my body allows me to do. I work out for an average of 45 minutes 4 or 5 days a week. Some days I do weights and some days I just walk or jog on the treadmill. I don’t always eat a salad and quite honestly we have added some meat and eggs back into our diet as well. I’m approaching this pregnancy differently in a lot of ways.
I realize now that I am more than my size.
I realize the most important thing is to be healthy. I know that my body was created to prepare this child for the world. I also know that if I miss a day at the gym because my body needed to rest the world won’t end. I won’t allow my own thoughts destroy the beautiful pregnancy GOD has gifted me with. I could sit around and agonize over the weight gain that is sure to come or I can rejoice that my body has the responsibility to provide nutrients and a healthy environment to grow and develop my child.
The LORD knew what He was doing when He created the body to hold a child and I will choose to honor Him and thank Him that he chose me to carry his plan out. I will honor Him in my heart and not allow negative thoughts about any part of this journey. I’m not saying I have overcome this battle, I’m telling you I am currently fighting in it.
If you fight yourself on your image or weight know that you are not alone. We oftentimes only think overweight people are struggling but you would never realize how many people with the body you want obsess over their looks and are truly in agony over their diets and exercise routines.
It is a miserable place to be trapped in, and you my sister are not alone.
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