Beckett's Story pt. 5
After picking my mouth up off the floor
we finished up the conversation and she told me I needed to go take a pregnancy test and call her back with the results. We hung up the phone and I stopped dead in my tracks.
I got on my hands and knees and cried. I cried so hard. So full of thankfulness, but equally filled with wonder and awe and anxiousness. Just because some paper was saying it was likely I was pregnant did not mean a test would read the same. I got very real with myself and with God in that moment on the floor. I began to worship Him and sang a song that I had been resting in.
“You are worthy of it all. For from You are all things, and to You are all things. You deserve the glory. All of the glory, all of the glory is Yours, is Yours, is Yours.”
I began to say out loud to Him “Even if not, You are still good. You still deserve my worship. You Lord still deserve ALL of the Glory. If this test is negative You are still faithful and You will deliver on Your promise.” I was scared to death to drive up the street to Walgreens and buy that test. What if it was negative? Would my heart truly still worship Him for all that He deserves or was my heart truly thankful because I felt He was finally giving me what we had prayed and believed for? I wanted my heart to be thankful for the sweet gift of life, but mostly I wanted to to remain content with getting more of God even if it wasn’t His timing yet.
I bought the tests and came home and wasted no time peeing on that darn stick.
As I waited I sang again to God that exact same song. I read all of the verses I had written down about His goodness and faithfulness. I remembered how the Apostle Paul wrote in. “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Philippians 3:8-11)
If that test came back negative I wanted to be sure that I remembered that the true gift from God was the gift of repentance and salvation through His son Jesus, and not even the life of a child placed inside of me can replace that joy. It made sense to me that this journey was meant to sharpen me and make me rely on Christ. This journey was for me to know that all of the scripture in the bible reminding us of Gods faithfulness always is to make us turn back and remember that He will be faithful to fulfill the promise of salvation in His son Jesus. It was a reminder that because He is faithful in that, we can be sure that in His divine timing He will deliver on every single promise He gives us.
It was positive.
“All of the Glory, ALL of the Glory, it’s Yours. It’s Yours.”
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Beckett's Story pt. 4
In february I decided to be referred to an infertility specialist
just to try and be on top of the physical side of things. Remember, I knew God was going to make us physically able to have a child of our own but I also knew as much as I believe He could heal me He still had not chosen to do it. I looked at going to the doctor as one of the ways He may choose to do this and just give it a shot. I really had NO clue what to expect going in there. I knew there would be a lot of questions I had to answer and maybe tests I had to take but in all reality it had me pretty anxious not knowing what to expect or what news they were going to give me.
$250 later I left his office with news that my body could physically carry a pregnancy
and a prescription for 5 days worth of medication that would help me track my ovulation, thus making it easier to try and get pregnant. I had instructions and a little worksheet I would have to fill out every day and fax in at the end of the month. Other than that, I was pretty much clueless. Overall it was good news and once again, just a waiting game. I told Zach and said “Ya know, if we do this I COULD get pregnant this month. Are we ready?” And apparently we thought we were so I filled the prescription and started my daily log of temperatures.
Part of me really tried to not think about why I was filling out this worksheet every day because it made me anxious, but I couldn’t help it.
I was actively trying to get pregnant… knowing that I may or may not. I knew God promised me. “Would it be this time? Or just like everything else in life, are we going to have a long battle ahead of us? It doesn’t matter. He is good and He is faithful. He will deliver on His promise to me.” Those were the thoughts in my head day after day all month long. Not to mention I had no clue what these charts and temperatures and circles I had to make meant. I didn’t know if I was filling anything out correctly or how knowing my temperature was going tell me anything… but thankfully there are doctors who do.
So at the end of the month I went to the library and faxed them my worksheet. Yes, the Midwest City Library. I have to admit it was a little weird going in there to fax my doctor a diagram with all of the days I had sex in the last month on it but… we have no fax machine? Sooo, yeah. I was honestly just hoping I faxed it to the right number and that it went through to them. I hadn’t gotten a call from them and was thinking I would so I decided to call them. She assured me they had received it and if they had any questions about it they would call me back.
My phone rang
and I answered expecting the nurse to ask me a million questions about my diagram because truthfully I had no idea if I had filled it out accurately. Instead she had 2 simple questions. “Well, did you have a cycle?” I said, “No…” and she followed with “Well, did you take a pregnancy test?” At this point I was pretty confused. “No, I didn’t know I was supposed to.” She answered me so matter of factly my mouth hit the floor,
“Well according to your paper, you’re pregnant.”
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Beckett's Story pt.3
One of the most important things in life is to have a few good friends around you to encourage you, correct you, and believe with you. Hans is one of those friends for us. If you don’t know him, you should. One evening talking with him and my lovely husband I was sharing them with my frustration I had been dealing with. I told him how it was draining to go do altar ministry because of all the people who kept needing the same prayer that I did or celebrating the exact thing I was praying for.
Another good friend had used the story of the lady in the bible with the issue of blood when I had went up for prayer one day. I was also telling them about this when Hans stopped me in my tracks and pointed out another person in the story. He talked about Jairus who had come searching for Jesus because his 12 year old daughter was on her death bed. He knew Jesus could heal her. I had always been told this story and been related to the lady with the issue of blood. “If you have enough faith to reach out and touch His robe, He will heal you. You just have to believe enough. Why don’t you believe, what is hindering your belief?”
The issue with that was I did believe God could heal me if he wanted to…
but for whatever reason He was choosing not to so it always left me confused and frustrated and like I was supposed to work for something that I could never attain.
Hans said, “Maybe you’re looking at the story wrong. Maybe your Jairus, and not the lady with the issue of blood. Jairus had to wait on Jesus to heal the woman before he ever considered leaving her and coming to his daughter’s rescue. Maybe that’s the point of the story for you.” This of course blew my mind… once again, I was focusing on myself. I focused on myself so much that I couldn’t even see what He was really trying to show me. Hans also said, “I don’t know what this means or how it applies but I feel like I’m supposed to share with you guys the number 12. Maybe check if your pregnant in 12 weeks or something, I don’t know.. I just keep feeling like He is telling me the number 12.”
Side note- The lady with the issue of blood had been bleeding for 12 years and Jairus’ daughter was said to be 12 years old. This was not realized until later on when I was studying the story myself. God’s way of doing things is so cool and I could never orchestrate it how He does.
This was one more block in the wall of faith I was trying to build.
One more word that confirmed that God was most definitely up to something, and it was going to be good. So good.
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Our church does a 21 day fast every year in January and this year I decided during my fast I would submit more to God than I had ever done before. I felt called to fast breakfast and lunch, not allowing myself food until at least 3:00 pm. In the past I had given up coffee or social media but the Lord told me if I wanted to hear more, He wanted me to submit more. I decided to do it. So I submitted myself to Him each and every day, soaked myself in the Bible and allowed Him to begin to speak to me clearer than I had ever experienced before. He spoke to me about a large number of things but I will stick to just what applies to Beckett’s story specifically. By the end of the fast I realized the Lord wanted us to have more children, and He wanted us to have them the natural way.
Good ol’ love makin’.
Something pretty cool that happened during all of this was the way God tested me. At the time I served on the altar ministry at church and so every week at the end of service I would go up front and people could come and pray with me. I absolutely love praying with and for people but during this time in my life… God had a grand sense of humor. Almost every single person who would come to me would relate to me in some way.
“I have a thyroid disorder I need healing for.”
“I am struggling with infertility”.
“My health is making it hard for me to get pregnant.”
“I am pregnant but I am afraid for my babies health because of my health issues.”
“I am pregnant and just wanting prayer for my unborn child.”
God, really? Like, I need the exact same things to happen. And I’m supposed to rejoice with these women who have what I am praying for? Part of me was happy for them but part of me was also really jealous. And to have myself praying for other people to have miracles when I didn’t yet have a promise from God for mine was extremely difficult. I wanted to believe for them and honestly I did, but I couldn’t believe for myself.
Before God answered me and gave me peace He presented me with opportunity after opportunity to pray for other people and believe for them that they would receive their miracle. It showed me that truly it isn’t about me and I needed to stop making it about me.
God gave me peace. One day during the fast I sat down with my bible and started reading in Ecclesiastes. I demolished that book all day long just tearing through it soaking in the word. It was when I came to chapter 11 that God gave me the peace I had been wondering if He had for me. It says
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the bones are formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and do not rest your hands in the evening, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will equally prosper.” Ecc. 11: 5-6
There it was.
My promise, my word from God. I have to admit even after Him speaking this to me I was skeptical. He didn’t give me a timeline. He didn’t give me a name or a gender or anything like that. All I had from Him was peace to continue on going to doctors and spending time, money, and energy waiting for Him to do what I knew in my heart was truly for us. This was the moment I realized, “OK I can trust God in this.”. I believed that God had plans for us to biologically have a child of our own not because in Genesis He said to go forth and multiply or because He promised children to several barren women in the bible. I believe I got a promise from God for ME and for our family because I truly surrendered my hearts desires to Him and said Father, is my heart in alignment with yours?
You guys, I want you all to get this because it changed my relationship with God and it took me to a place of surrender that I had not experienced before. I felt 100% confident in standing on that promise because I knew without a doubt in my mind that only He gave me that peace. It wasn’t because I romanticized being pregnant. It wasn’t because my belief in my child-bearing abilities was strong enough. I didn’t speak His word as some formula to get what I wanted to happen. For once in my life I was believing a promise from God simply because He gave me the grace to truly surrender it to Him. I finally had stopped making it about myself or what I could do to influence Him to give me what I wanted. I truly only desired what He desired for us.
I had my promise and I would stand on it for as long as He wanted me to. I would wait and believe that He was good and He would do what He said He would. I would go to doctors if necessary and I would fight all of the negative thoughts in my head.
I knew how to fight because I had fought before, and if I had to fight to keep my belief strong I would do it.
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I’m just a human. I am no super wife, super mom, or super anything for that matter. I give all the glory for anything in my life to GOD and hope that He is pleased. Easier said than done. I am writing Beckett’s story but in all reality her story is just part of GOD’s story. I pray that through reading this you would find a sense of the Holiness and Sovereignty of GOD. I pray you find hope for your hopeless situation. I pray that any word I write is only from the Father. I pray you finish reading this and can breathe knowing that GOD is in control of every single thing on this planet and you can trust Him wholly. Beckett’s life began only because GOD ordained it to begin. This is the story of our little Beckett Faith Dumbleton.
After you get married everyone starts asking you almost immediately when you plan on having kids. It’s pretty annoying, especially when you have no idea if you are medically capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy. Let me back up for a minute…
I got married July 9, 2018. My husband is an amazing man of God and I am so thankful for him. Our son is not his biological son but unless you already knew that you would never know the difference. The first time I got pregnant I was 18 years old, not married, and in an extremely toxic relationship. It was a bad situation all around, besides the amazing gift of life that was growing inside of me. But my point in telling you this was that it was apparently super easy for me to get pregnant because I clearly was not trying. After having my son my medical records got complicated. For some reason I completely stopped having regular cycles, stopped producing hormones, found out I am a carrier of MTHFR, struggled with horrible cystic acne, and the list goes on and on
After getting married I decided to try and figure out the hormone problems
because I knew the sooner we started working on it the sooner we could figure out what was in the cards for us. So it turns out that if you don’t produce hormones, you don’t create a lining in your uterus which is necessary for that monthly cycle and necessary to carry a pregnancy. Even if that lining is there but not thick enough, you’ll likely miscarry. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to hear while you are wanting to dream about having children with your husband. And super frustrating when you think back to just how EASILY you got pregnant the first time.
I love GOD. I know He is faithful. But I also knew that just because GOD promised Sarah in Genesis that she would bear a son in her old age (seemingly impossible situation) didn’t mean he was going to give us a baby. Really hard pill to swallow. Oh wait, so that whole God grants you the desires of your heart thing isn’t true? Well, it’s true, but you have to know its context. God grants us the desires of our hearts, as they are in line with HIS desires. What if His desires are not for us to biologically produce our own child? Zach couldn’t bear the thought of this and I couldn’t bear the thought of putting myself through all sorts of spiritual warfare for nothing. At the end of the day I believe GOD does whatever HIS will is, not what ours is. I knew we both desired to have more children, but in what way was that supposed to come about? Was it even supposed to come about at all? I know I hadn’t asked, and I was pretty sure Zach hadn’t either.
Are we supposed to have more children, and if so, in what way do you want to make this happen?
I had to submit this question to GOD. Honestly, very anxious about His answer. I knew it would be the right answer but I didn’t know if it would be the one I wanted.
That’s how the journey started.
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