It isn’t a good feeling. You get a knock at the door and suddenly you are faced with the reality that everything that has become normal to you may change, again. You spent all of this time getting used to things being one way and then just like that you are thrown back into the uncertainty of what your future holds. I hate not being in control.
I will be transparent and honest with you guys even though it scares me. I have promised to always do my best to be real and if I am to be real right now it would sound something like this.
I am feeling feelings I haven’t been forced to face for almost 2 years now. Doubt. Worry. Anger. Anxiety. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. ALL OF THEM came rushing in as soon as I opened our front door. I have questioned God a few times recently but the agony in my heart and confusion in my spirit had not been as strong as it was in that moment for quite a while. All I wanted to do in that moment was YELL. I cried out to God, Why? It was the only thing I could muster up to ask Him. It is still lingering in the back of my mind. Why is this happening? Why now, why EVER? I thought I was done with this fight.
You can only protect your children so much. You can only do so much to lead a healthy lifestyle. You can only do so much to get your finances under control. There is only so much you can do to heal a relationship. There is only so much you can do to be successful in your job and move forward. We hate seeing we have limits to what we can control and how much we can move the things in our lives that we seriously hate or desperately want to change.
I will not tell you guys this fight is easy. It’s the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life. But it isn’t the first and I am sure it won’t be the last. I am so thankful to God that HE is in control and that He is GOOD and that we can trust Him. You guys, it is so hard in the flesh to shut up all of the what if’s in my head. It is so hard to ignore the enemy when he is screaming in your face “IT’S YOUR FAULT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU REALLY SCREWED THIS UP. GOOD LUCK.”
I don’t have any clue what the outcome is going to be. It’s scary. But the arms of God are so comforting. He reminds me over and over again of His justice and mercy. I must always, always remember that He is Sovereign and He has it all orchestrated perfectly. He has planned my steps and has a plan. It is not my job to know His plan, just to follow His calling. He has called me to have faith in Him and believe in His goodness. I cannot say I am obeying the LORD and dwell in anxiety and anger and worry because that is proof that I don’t believe He will do what He said He will.
He has given me the promise of peace (Philippians 4:7) and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised me salvation in Jesus name (Acts 4:12). He has promised to make me strong and courageous because He will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He has promised to deliver me from ALL of my troubles (Psalm 34:19). And He has promised to help me (Psalm 46:1).
But those are a few things I do know. I must stand on the promises He has given me. I refuse to sit back and let my mind run wild and forget all of the things He has done. I refuse to live as if I don’t believe He will do all He has said He will do.
Please pray for us during this time. Further information I cannot disclose, but we are in a fight. Pray for us as we battle first in our hearts and minds, which is where the biggest and hardest part of the fight is. We love you. If you need prayer for a fight you are in, please let us know.