Marriage: Kill Me.

Kill Me.

 

Probably not what you would expect me to say in reference to my marriage…right? This blog post is going to be super real you guys so just get ready.

You know they always say marriage is work, right? Everyone tells you that tp stay married you have to really work at it. One thing I have realized they fail to tell you is that almost all of the work you put in is work you have to do on yourself… not together.

Sure you have to decide things like where you want to live and what school your kids go to or if you even want to have kids. You give and take when it comes to what show to watch and where to eat dinner. There’s the small annoyances like someone who leaves the dishes in the sink versus the spouse who always puts them in the dishwasher. This is not the “work” I am referring to.

Since getting married I have realized marriage is a lot more about working on myself in order for my marriage to work than it is working on our actual relationship.

Heres the thing that nobody wants to admit: I am nowhere near perfect, but I think I am.

I think my way of doing things and in my timeline is the best and only way. I think that my plans are better. I think that I know what is best most of the time. I become overly critical when things don’t go my way or happen when I think they should and I realize that for my marriage to thrive and not just survive I have to do one thing. 

Die.

That’s what I mean when I say kill me.

I have to DIE to my expectations and my selfish need for everything to be how I want it to be. You see, I didn’t marry myself. I married my husband. I married a man who is so completely different than me in so many ways. I’m extremely organized and I plan things out down to the hour. I enjoy a decluttered house. I am very strict on our finances. I drive fast. I love chocolate. I am loud and outgoing. My husband has small pieces of some of these things and some he doesn’t have at all (love for chocolate LOL) but at the end of the day I didn’t marry him because I thought he would be like me. I married him for who HE is and because he complimented me in all of the areas I was lacking. I married him because God designed him to be who he is exactly for me to have what I needed.

I love myself.

That’s the problem. When you get married you have to stop loving yourself and your ideas and your ways of doing things MORE than you love your spouse and their ideas and their ways of doing things. Marriage isn’t hard in and of itself. The part of marriage that is hard is dying to yourself every day just like Christ died for you and serving your spouse just as He served us.

 

The longer I am married the more I realize how selfish I am and how NOT okay with it I am.
I love my husband, but I also love myself.

I married my husband, not myself.

I expect perfection, yet I am terribly flawed.

I realize more every single day how much I need Christ to change me. 

I realize more every day that my husband doesn’t need to change,

I do.

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