I had to work really hard to get healthy again. I knew absolutely nothing about nutrition or working out so I literally had to start from the bottom. I had my dad come alongside me and eventually I hired a trainer at the gym. I taught myself about nutrition and stuck to a plan I made for myself that truly worked. I gained self-confidence and I lost all of the baby weight, and then some. At this time in my life I was also in and out of an abusive relationship with Elijah’s dad who liked to make comments about my weight and my appearance. It was something I was fighting internally with my own voice, and then his on top of that, and don’t forget the images in the world that tell you what you are supposed to look like.
The anxiety set in when I found out I was pregnant again. Remembering how hard it is to lose weight with a newborn by your side. You are tired and exhausted. You eat whatever is available and whenever you can fit it in. I have come so far in being able to wear clothes that fit and be confident in my own skin. I had dropped down to 120 pounds at one point because of how strict I was on my diet and how much time I spent in the gym. How in the world am I going to do that with a newborn baby and a husband and 8 year old to take care of? And work too?
But to make it worse I would wake up in the morning dying to want to get up and go to the gym. It’s just what I do. I would want to eat oatmeal and salads and veggies but all I could manage were crackers and dry cereal. The agony of knowing how I was unable to stick to my healthy routine was really a battle in my mind. The dread of weight gain haunted me as I lay there just wanting to have enough energy to take a walk.
I still go just not every day. I don’t spend 1.5 hours there and I don’t do more than my body allows me to do. I work out for an average of 45 minutes 4 or 5 days a week. Some days I do weights and some days I just walk or jog on the treadmill. I don’t always eat a salad and quite honestly we have added some meat and eggs back into our diet as well. I’m approaching this pregnancy differently in a lot of ways.
I realize the most important thing is to be healthy. I know that my body was created to prepare this child for the world. I also know that if I miss a day at the gym because my body needed to rest the world won’t end. I won’t allow my own thoughts destroy the beautiful pregnancy GOD has gifted me with. I could sit around and agonize over the weight gain that is sure to come or I can rejoice that my body has the responsibility to provide nutrients and a healthy environment to grow and develop my child.
The LORD knew what He was doing when He created the body to hold a child and I will choose to honor Him and thank Him that he chose me to carry his plan out. I will honor Him in my heart and not allow negative thoughts about any part of this journey. I’m not saying I have overcome this battle, I’m telling you I am currently fighting in it.
If you fight yourself on your image or weight know that you are not alone. We oftentimes only think overweight people are struggling but you would never realize how many people with the body you want obsess over their looks and are truly in agony over their diets and exercise routines.
It is a miserable place to be trapped in, and you my sister are not alone.