Beckett's Story pt. 5
After picking my mouth up off the floor
we finished up the conversation and she told me I needed to go take a pregnancy test and call her back with the results. We hung up the phone and I stopped dead in my tracks.
I got on my hands and knees and cried. I cried so hard. So full of thankfulness, but equally filled with wonder and awe and anxiousness. Just because some paper was saying it was likely I was pregnant did not mean a test would read the same. I got very real with myself and with God in that moment on the floor. I began to worship Him and sang a song that I had been resting in.
“You are worthy of it all. For from You are all things, and to You are all things. You deserve the glory. All of the glory, all of the glory is Yours, is Yours, is Yours.”
I began to say out loud to Him “Even if not, You are still good. You still deserve my worship. You Lord still deserve ALL of the Glory. If this test is negative You are still faithful and You will deliver on Your promise.” I was scared to death to drive up the street to Walgreens and buy that test. What if it was negative? Would my heart truly still worship Him for all that He deserves or was my heart truly thankful because I felt He was finally giving me what we had prayed and believed for? I wanted my heart to be thankful for the sweet gift of life, but mostly I wanted to to remain content with getting more of God even if it wasn’t His timing yet.
I bought the tests and came home and wasted no time peeing on that darn stick.
As I waited I sang again to God that exact same song. I read all of the verses I had written down about His goodness and faithfulness. I remembered how the Apostle Paul wrote in. “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Philippians 3:8-11)
If that test came back negative I wanted to be sure that I remembered that the true gift from God was the gift of repentance and salvation through His son Jesus, and not even the life of a child placed inside of me can replace that joy. It made sense to me that this journey was meant to sharpen me and make me rely on Christ. This journey was for me to know that all of the scripture in the bible reminding us of Gods faithfulness always is to make us turn back and remember that He will be faithful to fulfill the promise of salvation in His son Jesus. It was a reminder that because He is faithful in that, we can be sure that in His divine timing He will deliver on every single promise He gives us.
It was positive.
“All of the Glory, ALL of the Glory, it’s Yours. It’s Yours.”
Subscribe to Blog
Our church does a 21 day fast every year in January and this year I decided during my fast I would submit more to God than I had ever done before. I felt called to fast breakfast and lunch, not allowing myself food until at least 3:00 pm. In the past I had given up coffee or social media but the Lord told me if I wanted to hear more, He wanted me to submit more. I decided to do it. So I submitted myself to Him each and every day, soaked myself in the Bible and allowed Him to begin to speak to me clearer than I had ever experienced before. He spoke to me about a large number of things but I will stick to just what applies to Beckett’s story specifically. By the end of the fast I realized the Lord wanted us to have more children, and He wanted us to have them the natural way.
Good ol’ love makin’.
Something pretty cool that happened during all of this was the way God tested me. At the time I served on the altar ministry at church and so every week at the end of service I would go up front and people could come and pray with me. I absolutely love praying with and for people but during this time in my life… God had a grand sense of humor. Almost every single person who would come to me would relate to me in some way.
“I have a thyroid disorder I need healing for.”
“I am struggling with infertility”.
“My health is making it hard for me to get pregnant.”
“I am pregnant but I am afraid for my babies health because of my health issues.”
“I am pregnant and just wanting prayer for my unborn child.”
God, really? Like, I need the exact same things to happen. And I’m supposed to rejoice with these women who have what I am praying for? Part of me was happy for them but part of me was also really jealous. And to have myself praying for other people to have miracles when I didn’t yet have a promise from God for mine was extremely difficult. I wanted to believe for them and honestly I did, but I couldn’t believe for myself.
Before God answered me and gave me peace He presented me with opportunity after opportunity to pray for other people and believe for them that they would receive their miracle. It showed me that truly it isn’t about me and I needed to stop making it about me.
God gave me peace. One day during the fast I sat down with my bible and started reading in Ecclesiastes. I demolished that book all day long just tearing through it soaking in the word. It was when I came to chapter 11 that God gave me the peace I had been wondering if He had for me. It says
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the bones are formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and do not rest your hands in the evening, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will equally prosper.” Ecc. 11: 5-6
There it was.
My promise, my word from God. I have to admit even after Him speaking this to me I was skeptical. He didn’t give me a timeline. He didn’t give me a name or a gender or anything like that. All I had from Him was peace to continue on going to doctors and spending time, money, and energy waiting for Him to do what I knew in my heart was truly for us. This was the moment I realized, “OK I can trust God in this.”. I believed that God had plans for us to biologically have a child of our own not because in Genesis He said to go forth and multiply or because He promised children to several barren women in the bible. I believe I got a promise from God for ME and for our family because I truly surrendered my hearts desires to Him and said Father, is my heart in alignment with yours?
You guys, I want you all to get this because it changed my relationship with God and it took me to a place of surrender that I had not experienced before. I felt 100% confident in standing on that promise because I knew without a doubt in my mind that only He gave me that peace. It wasn’t because I romanticized being pregnant. It wasn’t because my belief in my child-bearing abilities was strong enough. I didn’t speak His word as some formula to get what I wanted to happen. For once in my life I was believing a promise from God simply because He gave me the grace to truly surrender it to Him. I finally had stopped making it about myself or what I could do to influence Him to give me what I wanted. I truly only desired what He desired for us.
I had my promise and I would stand on it for as long as He wanted me to. I would wait and believe that He was good and He would do what He said He would. I would go to doctors if necessary and I would fight all of the negative thoughts in my head.
I knew how to fight because I had fought before, and if I had to fight to keep my belief strong I would do it.
Subscribe to Blog
It isn’t a good feeling. You get a knock at the door and suddenly you are faced with the reality that everything that has become normal to you may change, again. You spent all of this time getting used to things being one way and then just like that you are thrown back into the uncertainty of what your future holds. I hate not being in control.
I will be transparent and honest with you guys even though it scares me. I have promised to always do my best to be real and if I am to be real right now it would sound something like this.
I’m super pissed off.
I am feeling feelings I haven’t been forced to face for almost 2 years now. Doubt. Worry. Anger. Anxiety. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. ALL OF THEM came rushing in as soon as I opened our front door. I have questioned God a few times recently but the agony in my heart and confusion in my spirit had not been as strong as it was in that moment for quite a while. All I wanted to do in that moment was YELL. I cried out to God, Why? It was the only thing I could muster up to ask Him. It is still lingering in the back of my mind. Why is this happening? Why now, why EVER? I thought I was done with this fight.
It’s a terrible feeling to know that you cannot do certain things.
You can only protect your children so much. You can only do so much to lead a healthy lifestyle. You can only do so much to get your finances under control. There is only so much you can do to heal a relationship. There is only so much you can do to be successful in your job and move forward. We hate seeing we have limits to what we can control and how much we can move the things in our lives that we seriously hate or desperately want to change.
I’m a human and all I want is to be in control of everything, but thank God I am not.
I will not tell you guys this fight is easy. It’s the hardest battle I have ever fought in my life. But it isn’t the first and I am sure it won’t be the last. I am so thankful to God that HE is in control and that He is GOOD and that we can trust Him. You guys, it is so hard in the flesh to shut up all of the what if’s in my head. It is so hard to ignore the enemy when he is screaming in your face “IT’S YOUR FAULT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU REALLY SCREWED THIS UP. GOOD LUCK.”
But God has NEVER ever failed us.
I don’t have any clue what the outcome is going to be. It’s scary. But the arms of God are so comforting. He reminds me over and over again of His justice and mercy. I must always, always remember that He is Sovereign and He has it all orchestrated perfectly. He has planned my steps and has a plan. It is not my job to know His plan, just to follow His calling. He has called me to have faith in Him and believe in His goodness. I cannot say I am obeying the LORD and dwell in anxiety and anger and worry because that is proof that I don’t believe He will do what He said He will.
He has given me the promise of peace (Philippians 4:7) and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). He has promised me salvation in Jesus name (Acts 4:12). He has promised to make me strong and courageous because He will never leave me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He has promised to deliver me from ALL of my troubles (Psalm 34:19). And He has promised to help me (Psalm 46:1).
I do not know the outcome. I do not know what He has planned.
But those are a few things I do know. I must stand on the promises He has given me. I refuse to sit back and let my mind run wild and forget all of the things He has done. I refuse to live as if I don’t believe He will do all He has said He will do.
Please pray for us during this time. Further information I cannot disclose, but we are in a fight. Pray for us as we battle first in our hearts and minds, which is where the biggest and hardest part of the fight is. We love you. If you need prayer for a fight you are in, please let us know.
Subscribe to Blog
I really hope you guys have enjoyed the summertime bucket list blogs so far!
Today is another totally free post! I have made a point time and time again to advise you to make. Your bucket list according to what your kids are interested in! It makes it so much more for them and for you as well! So let’s get started.
_MOM TIP #1 Get a library card
Most of you with school aged kids have seen the papers that come home where you are able to log your reading time each day. In our house we aim to read at least 20 minutes a day. Getting a library card has been one of the best things I have done! It has saved us so much money because of how many books we go through. Whether it be Elijah reading books to me or the other way around. We read simple stories we get from the library, we read chapter books, and we read the bible. It really doesn’t matter to me what we read as long as we are spending some time with each other each day! It is a way for us to connect and have fun! During the school year Elijah earned SO many rewards for all of his reading and most of them came in the form of food. Whataburger coupons, Pizza Hut, Papa Murphy’s, and Braum’s to name a few! We collected them up and use them when the budget was tight! So on this day we used the free ice cream from Braum’s coupons to get a little sweet treat!
_MOM TIP #2 Find free museums
Elijah has always loved anything to do with the military. Ever since he was a toddler he has been infatuated with the little plastic army men and setting them up for battles. I truly think it began because his biological dad was in the National Guard Reserves, so naturally he thought it was really cool. I have never discouraged his interest in this but more so encouraged it.
To serve in the military is a huge responsibility and a great honor. If you have served, or are serving currently, thank you.
He still finds great joy in all things military so I thought what better place to take him to than to The 45th Infantry Museum.
Museums are a fabulous way to spend your day, which is why I said to choose things that interest your child. If your kid doesn’t enjoy things about the military I wouldn’t take them to a museum that offers nothing but military artifacts! You will get worn out and frustrated super fast and the point is to have fun not to do something just to say you did it.
We walked in and signed our names in the book and asked the man at the front which way we should start. We walked through and I have to say for someone who has grown up interested in history it was very neat. I am the kind of person who gets distracted easily but the information and all of the artillery and guns were fascinating to look at.
It was interesting to read about the different wars.
To know that the things we were looking at were legitimately used by men who served was very cool. We took our time and Elijah had fun telling me what guns were AK-47’s and which ones were used for certain battles. His knowledge about these things blew me away! He has my dad to thank for that.
_MOM TIP #3 Avoid unnecessary expenses
We finished up inside in the gift store which is the only place we spent money. I bought Elijah another collection of plastic army men for $10 which isn’t a bad price at all. This was an optional expense so you could easily avoid the gift shop if you need to! Outside they have big tanks and various forms of transportation. By the time we got out there we had just enough time to walk around and look at them before it started to rain on us! Overall it was a short afternoon and we both really enjoyed our time here!
Make sure and subscribe below to keep receiving the best mom tips and summer bucket list ideas! Please leave comments and share any of your own summer bucket list adventures as well! Maybe I will feature you and your kids!
Subscribe to Blog
A Gay Mormon.
I am a huge reader.
I love reading anything and everything. This last year I went on a journey to read a lot of biographies and non-fiction books. I have made my way through a lot of books and I am so excited to begin to share some of my experiences in my literature journey with you! I decided to start with a book I most recently finished called, “Saving Alex: When I was 15 I Told My Mormon Parents I Was Gay And That’s When My Nightmare Began.” This book is a biography written by Alex Cooper herself and Joanna Brooks.
I am sure by now you guys have noticed a pattern in some of the books I’ve posted about reading this year. A lot of them have been centered around the LGBTQ community, the bible, and stories of people who identify as LGBTQ or did at one point. Unfortunately, this post isn’t going to be amazingly controversial and I am not going to spit my opinions or beliefs on the topic, it’s truly about Alex’s journey and her story told in this book. So if you are looking for a conversation about my views, I would be glad to build a relationship with you outside of social media.
Now, on to the book.
Alex grew up in a normal mormon family. They attended church and believed that they would all get to heaven if they followed Gods plan. Gods plan for a mormon woman looks something like marry a missionary, lead a good life, have children and teach them how to also follow Gods plan and then when you die you will get to be with your family in heaven for all eternity. This is an extremely basic idea of how it’s supposed to go. But for Alex, she realized this idea of being with her family in heaven forever wasn’t a reality at all. She wouldn’t be able to marry a missionary because Alex liked girls.
She made the mistake of sneaking out to go with some friends out of town one weekend where she came into full realization of her sexual attraction to girls. She then made the mistake of blurting it out to her mom upon returning home. Her mom then lost ALL of her cool and proceeded to kick Alex out of their house, all while her dad sat silent. Alex went to a family friends house for a few weeks until her parents decided the best place for her to go would be to her grandparents house in Utah. Little did Alex know she was going to Utah, but she was definitely NOT being sent to stay with her grandparents.
She was sent to stay with a mormon family down the street from them who had guaranteed to be able to fix Alex and get her back on Gods plan.
In her months staying here
Alex fought suicidal thoughts, end even had a failed attempt. She had been abandoned by her parents, left with complete strangers, and would be there until she was no longer gay or could convince them that she wasn’t. She was no doubt emotionally and physically abused and neglected. Some of the things they had her do were forms of torture. Everyone in the town was under the impression that any kids sent to this family were troubled and when Alex had made desperate attempts for help, she was completely ignored and got a good beating afterwards. Once she was FINALLY allowed to go to public school upon some good beahavior, she made a few alliances who were able to help her escape and get free. It was an extremely long and emotional process all through legal means, but she did get free.
I really recommend this book for a fresh perspective on not only the inside life of someone who identifies LGBTQ but also how religion affects our behaviors and beliefs.
I truly believe there are obvious areas of deceit all through this entire book and I believe that someone with a heart after GOD’s will be able to see them. She gives some breathtaking statistics about kids who identify as LGBTQ and how many of them are suicidal, have drug addiction, are homeless or kicked out. A lot of teens even turn to prostitution and illegal things to be able to make money to survive after they are kicked out. This is not to say that the LGBTQ community or people who identify as that are all bound to be criminals, so don’t put words in my mouth. It is to point out that we have an entire community of people, young kids, who are hurting. Who are left abandoned by their own family members. They are made to feel inadequate and less than and often times their lives are so lonely they would rather not live. This is not okay with me.
No person should ever feel so alone and dirty and unwanted that they want to end their life.
So my challenge,
Read a book that might make you feel uncomfortable. Go into a conversation with someone different than you simply to hear THEIR story. Learn something about a culture or people who you feel you can’t or don’t relate to. At the end of the day we are all human and we all share the same emotions. You can relate on some level, and we need to learn to be willing to shut up and listen every once in awhile.
Subscribe to Blog