The F Word.

It starts with an F and it’s four letters but it isn’t the one you’re thinking of.

 

Fear.

We all have it. Some of our fears are legitimate and some are not. We have fear of spiders, sharks, heights, drowning, public speaking, rejection, the list goes on and on. Fear shows up in so many ways in our lives. But today we are talking about the hidden fears.

While fasting with my church this January I set my expectations on several things, one being my physical healing and two being that God would speak to me about which direction he would have Zach and I go in our pursuit to have more children. Would that come through my healing and my body beginning to function the way it should? Or did God want us to adopt, or maybe foster? These were a few things I was expecting Him to direct my path on.

God spoke and I didn’t like what He had to say. He allowed me to realize that I have a deeply rooted fear when it comes to physical healing and having a child. I never even KNEW I had any fear related to these things. While praying one day wondering “Why have you not healed me? I know you want to answer me, why am I not getting an answer from you?”. He made me see that I have fear of asking Him and believing because when we ask for the desires of our hearts we then set an expectation and when you have an expectation it sets you up to be let down.

I have been let down many times in my life. I was let down when my sons father didn’t follow through. I was let down when I believed I had been physically healed and haven’t seen it manifested. I’ve been let down when I gave so much to people to have them steal from me. I’ve let myself down. These let downs have two things in common: Humans & expectations.

In my heart something tells me believe will only bring disappointment.

I believe this because I set my expectations on humans rather than who God is. My fear is ridiculous. If I would trust that God is who He says He is and not set my expectations on the outcome but instead have a desire to know Him above what He can give me… I have no reason to fear. God won’t keep himself from me. He won’t keep himself from you.

I had to continue my fast. I had to learn to “Count it all as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him…” (Philippians 3) And guys this is HARD. To tell yourself, “I know how badly you desire to be healed and to have a baby, but that is all garbage compared to knowing God.” It sounds crazy- but I had to do it. I believe that through the fast God has gave me the desire to have healing and have a baby- He has it for me. God will deliver on His promises, He has too. But the joy that comes from his blessings are nothing compared to what He is going to give me in knowing Him more.

As hard as it is and as much as I have to force myself to say it… this has to be the cry of my heart:

I believe your promises are for me. I place my trust not in man, or in the outcome of my prayers. I know your word does not return void and I will see the goodness of the Lord. But more than that, You are my true blessing. You are the only thing that fulfills. I lay down my desires to you and say they are nothing compared to knowing you. Help my heart to believe.

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