Our church does a 21 day fast every year in January and this year I decided during my fast I would submit more to God than I had ever done before. I felt called to fast breakfast and lunch, not allowing myself food until at least 3:00 pm. In the past I had given up coffee or social media but the Lord told me if I wanted to hear more, He wanted me to submit more. I decided to do it. So I submitted myself to Him each and every day, soaked myself in the Bible and allowed Him to begin to speak to me clearer than I had ever experienced before. He spoke to me about a large number of things but I will stick to just what applies to Beckett’s story specifically. By the end of the fast I realized the Lord wanted us to have more children, and He wanted us to have them the natural way.
Something pretty cool that happened during all of this was the way God tested me. At the time I served on the altar ministry at church and so every week at the end of service I would go up front and people could come and pray with me. I absolutely love praying with and for people but during this time in my life… God had a grand sense of humor. Almost every single person who would come to me would relate to me in some way.
“I have a thyroid disorder I need healing for.”
“I am struggling with infertility”.
“My health is making it hard for me to get pregnant.”
“I am pregnant but I am afraid for my babies health because of my health issues.”
“I am pregnant and just wanting prayer for my unborn child.”
God, really? Like, I need the exact same things to happen. And I’m supposed to rejoice with these women who have what I am praying for? Part of me was happy for them but part of me was also really jealous. And to have myself praying for other people to have miracles when I didn’t yet have a promise from God for mine was extremely difficult. I wanted to believe for them and honestly I did, but I couldn’t believe for myself.
Before God answered me and gave me peace He presented me with opportunity after opportunity to pray for other people and believe for them that they would receive their miracle. It showed me that truly it isn’t about me and I needed to stop making it about me.
God gave me peace. One day during the fast I sat down with my bible and started reading in Ecclesiastes. I demolished that book all day long just tearing through it soaking in the word. It was when I came to chapter 11 that God gave me the peace I had been wondering if He had for me. It says
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the bones are formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and do not rest your hands in the evening, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will equally prosper.” Ecc. 11: 5-6
My promise, my word from God. I have to admit even after Him speaking this to me I was skeptical. He didn’t give me a timeline. He didn’t give me a name or a gender or anything like that. All I had from Him was peace to continue on going to doctors and spending time, money, and energy waiting for Him to do what I knew in my heart was truly for us. This was the moment I realized, “OK I can trust God in this.”. I believed that God had plans for us to biologically have a child of our own not because in Genesis He said to go forth and multiply or because He promised children to several barren women in the bible. I believe I got a promise from God for ME and for our family because I truly surrendered my hearts desires to Him and said Father, is my heart in alignment with yours?
You guys, I want you all to get this because it changed my relationship with God and it took me to a place of surrender that I had not experienced before. I felt 100% confident in standing on that promise because I knew without a doubt in my mind that only He gave me that peace. It wasn’t because I romanticized being pregnant. It wasn’t because my belief in my child-bearing abilities was strong enough. I didn’t speak His word as some formula to get what I wanted to happen. For once in my life I was believing a promise from God simply because He gave me the grace to truly surrender it to Him. I finally had stopped making it about myself or what I could do to influence Him to give me what I wanted. I truly only desired what He desired for us.
I had my promise and I would stand on it for as long as He wanted me to. I would wait and believe that He was good and He would do what He said He would. I would go to doctors if necessary and I would fight all of the negative thoughts in my head.