There comes such a time in life when you realize how little control you have.


I have such a hard time dealing with this on a daily basis. I want to be in control of the scheduling and how the entire day plays out but thats honestly just not realistic. For me to have control would mean that everyone and everything acted and happened the way I plan. For some reason my child doesn’t usually nap as long as I plan on her napping. My husband doesn’t always remember to put his coffee mug in the dishwasher. Elijah typically doesn’t remember to unload his backpack and put away his lunchbox. Traffic isn’t normally moving at my pace. The chores around the house never seem to be done and I can’t seem to ever accomplish all of the things I need to get done.


I want it.


But, do I really? Some of the most amazing things in my life that have happened were out of my control and definitely not in my plan. I didn’t plan on getting pregnant at 18 years old. I didn’t plan on buying a house at 24. I didn’t plan on being a single mom for 7 years. I didn’t plan on getting involved in a church again. I didn’t plan on marrying the drummer from Theatre Breaks Loose. I didn’t plan on getting married in a hospital. I didn’t plan on getting pregnant so fast with my second baby. I didn’t plan almost EVERY single good thing that has happened to me. Some of my choices did lead to these things coming to pass but at the time I was making the choices I had no idea what the outcome would be.

I didn’t know that I was actually going to get pregnant (yes, I was super naive) after having sex. But, I did. I didn’t know that going to all of those Theatre Breaks Loose shows as a teenager would eventually lead to me marrying my husband, but it did. I had no clue when we started dating that we would get married in the hospital in perfect timing so his mother could be there with us, but that’s what happened. I had no clue that going to a fertility doctor I would end up pregnant on the first month, but God made that happen. I had no clue that visiting a church, only because my boyfriend was there, would spur me back into a deep relationship with the Bride of Christ.

My point is this… I am learning to not only be okay with not being in control, but asking God to help me release the desire for it. If I am not in control to begin with why keep striving for it?  If God clearly knows what is best for me and He will make it come to pass despite my shortcomings, why on earth do I keep trying to fight my way to being Him?

I am not God. I am not in control. When I think about it I REALLY don’t want to be in control. He is the one who knows what is best and when it is best.



I’m giving it up. It’s not mine to begin with.

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